The meeting was really boring, an endless stream of trivialities.

　　The first to speak was Professor Huang Dali; he suggested that we rename the philosophy department as the "Department of Thought, Work, and Life-Style Changes". He reasoned that our present peace and prosperity had already resolved existential concerns, and thus studying Western-style questions of "existence" no longer held any point. The study of the Chinese philosophy of thought, work and life-style, however had a bright future. Today we could strike out in new directions to find the proper subjects for doctoral theses, far ahead of the fashionable trends, umbilical introspections, and putting-on of airs. He also said that the philosophy department lacked students: for forty-five instructors there were only four undergraduates, actually only 3.5, and if the situation remained as such the department of philosophy was beyond hope. Why did Professor Huang contend that our philosophy department had only 3.5 students? One among the four students was paralyzed from the waist down. Doctor Huang felt that our department was concerned with two-legged animals, and anyone who didn't have the requisite two legs should not be counted. This left our department chairman, Professor Tian Zhaofei, in a difficult position when it came time to submit the official student head count. He had been Professor Huang's disciple, and could not easily betray his mentor, even on such a trivial point as this. But at the same time, the loss of half a student from his official roster was a serious blow to his professional pride. In the end he gave in, and filled in the line showing undergraduate students registered with the department of philosophy as '3.5'. Everywhere he went Professor Huang carried a portable toilet seat, about eight inches high. He had haemorrhoids and without removing all pressure on that region, he couldn't sit on a normal chair. If he absolutely had to sit down, he first needed to install his little comfort station. At every department meeting he sat on it. Since all the chairs were the same height, he appeared a head taller than everyone else, and looked like the big boss, although sitting right next to him was Department Chairman Tian, who seemed by comparison to be some kind of secretary.

　　Professor Huang's speaking voice was loud and clear. With the extra height his comfort station gave him, his presence was more than a little intimidating.But Special Visiting Professor Dong Congwen[w1] of Nanjing University was not to be pushed around. He had been my thesis advisor when I was at Nanjing, and he now was my one reliable friend in Shanghai. What he may have lacked in philosophical depth, he more than made up for with an astonishing breadth of knowledge, assembled thanks to a photographic memory, coupled with an innate gift for departmental infighting. His tactic in debate was invariably to quote verbatim possibly relevant material from any of a wide range of authors until his adversaries were begging for mercy. "Rubbish!" he said, "To hear Professor Huang talk, our Western philosophers don't study life-styles? Today Dr. Huang has gone too far, and I must object. To tell the truth, I've already given this topic considerable study." That said, Professor Dong smoothed out his shirtsleeves and pulled a periodical from under his seat. At a glance, I recognized the Spring 1997 issue of the "Hong Kong Social Science Quarterly". Each and every time Professor Dong came to department meetings, he would have this issue stuck under his arm. If you ran into him in the hall, he would try to buttonhole you and have you flip through his magazine, pointing out where his name was mentioned on such-and-such a page. Should you show the least interest he would immediately draw out an offset of it, saying "Have a look! Here I am being published in international journals. Front page! Lead article! First Class International Standard!" Over that year of his official visit, every teacher in the department had received a copy at least three times. The graduate students chose a nickname for Professor Dong: "First Class International Standard".

　　I never understood how Dr. Dong could carry this magazine stuck under his arm for so long with out it ever getting lost or worn out.

　　Seeing Professor Dong once again pull out his magazine caused Professor Wang Xueyuan to lose all self-possession. He was terrified of people brandishing "First Class International Standards", as his orientation was entirely Chinese and his articles never appeared in foreign publications. He didn't even recognize overseas interests, so his thesis, unlike Professor Dong's work, had never had the opportunity to be considered as "First Class International Standard".

　　"First Class International Standard" gave him heartburn.Professor Wang said, "Dr. Huang actually didn't say that Western philosophy ignores life-style studies! But Dr. Dong's opinion is also correct: First Class International Standard! I suggest we take a formal vote on the issue."

　　The meeting's second topic of consideration was disciplinary action concerning a lecturer, Mrs. Wang Rui.

　　Lecturer Wang's situation was rather special; after her bachelors in philosophy, she had stayed on as a teaching assistant, but finished her master's as an MBA, and then further stormed the ivory tower to obtain a doctorate in industrial and commercial management.

　　Department Chairman Tian felt that something had to be done about this situation, as it was a disgrace to the philosophy department to have a teacher whose doctorate was in something as philistine as industrial management; it gave a black eye to the whole department. How could we justify the presence of an instructor who had no post-graduate degree in philosophy? For Chinese philosophy we had Dr. Huang, for Western philosophy we had Dr. Dong, both with their master's and doctorate's in appropriate subjects. But Dr. Wang Rui had one foot in both camps. Furthermore, Department Chairman Tian added that where you got your degree was one thing, but teachers can't always go skipping class, leaving the students in the lurch. A teacher skipping class every now and then was O.K., but to palm off a pregnant woman as your substitute? (According to reports, while standing in for Dr. Huang, in the middle of a course on "Yin and Yang in Chinese Philosophy" Dr. Wang had suddenly gone into labour, and ended up giving birth on the lecture rostrum.)

　　"How can the philosophy department endure this humiliation?" Dr. Tian went on and on, working himself up until he was practically in tears.

　　Just then, a dry, low cough escaped from of Dr. Huang's imperturbable demeanour, whereupon, Dr. Tian immediately wiped his eyes, shut his mouth, and made no further peep.

　　Professor Wang Xueyuan, who had entirely missed the social implications of this situation, continued, "That could call for disciplinary action. Indeed, it should be dealt with."

　　Professor Li Yuanyi, the department’s only other woman, whose speciality was aesthetics, offered, "Instructor Wang's giving birth on the lecture rostrum was an accident! It was beyond her subjective control. Also, the motivation for engaging a replacement instructor is subjectively positive, certainly better than having no class at all. As to the present question, we should analyze this carefully, and not reach any rash conclusions. Instructor Zhu Ge, what is your opinion? You and Mrs. Wang are both young people."

　　I suddenly thought of St. Paul's epistle to the Corinthians:

　　"But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree--in order not to say too much--to all of you. Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him. (Second Corinthians 2:4)St. Paul wrote all sorts of epistles. This one is perhaps among the most concise and to the point. I said: "Who really knows their own faults? Some people's errors are brought to open blame, but the faults of others, mine for instance, often remain hidden and unpunished. Therefore; I think that....

　　Professor Tian, seeing that the terrain was getting rough, interrupted, "Let's rather hear Professor Huang's views on the subject."

　　"On administrative matters of this nature, it would be unsuitable for me to express an individual opinion", was Dr Huang's reply.

　　The truth was that Mrs. Wang was Dr. Huang's protégé: without his sponsorship she never would have gotten the job in the first place. Dr. Huang's "special" relationship with Mrs. Wang was something any idiot could see.

　　Hearing Dr. Huang's tone of voice, Department Chairman Tian suggested that we vote by a show of hands.

　　Department Chairman Tian Zhaofei and Professor Wang Xueyuan voted to censure Mrs. Wang. Professor Dong Congwen created an invalid vote count by raising both hands twice, for and against, while Dr. Huang twice raised neither hand, thus abstaining. Mrs. Li Yuanyi and high official Dr. Qing Yun voted against censure. As I had nodded off and failed to raise my hand either for or against, I was also counted as abstaining. The final outcome was that temporarily no action would be taken against Mrs. Wang: we would wait until the committee had reached a consensus and then proceed.

　　At long last, Department Chairman Tian made the following summation: "Today, we have held a unified meeting, a highly efficient meeting. This has been a successful meeting."

　　That drew applause from all present. Finally we could agree on something.

　　.